I remember a dream I had when I was very young. 

 

I heard people speaking about the crucifix that is planted on the ground at the backyard of a friend’s house. I got curious and decided to go and to find out what was causing this excitement. But before I was able to reach the place, I heard loud shrieks of fear and saw many running away from the place. I got carried away by their fear and I ran away also but not knowing why. But no matter where I turned the crucifix seemed to hovering above me, following me wherever I turned.  

 

At that point I woke up, gasping for breath. 

 

I would have forgotten it if that same dream did not recur when I was in high school. But in this dream, I was able to see the crucifix planted on the ground even before I got there. It was tilted a little bit backward. I could never forget the clarity of the face on that crucifix. It was looking towards me as if telling me something. But, just like in the first dream before I even actually reach the place, the same thing happened and the same fear gripped me and I ran away. And, just like in the first dream, the crucifix continued to hover above me, following me wherever I went. I could hide from it.

 

That dream was followed by another dream. It was dark and I hear very many voices wailing in agony. I became fearful as the sound got louder and louder as if it were coming near me. I woke up terrified. My parents were quite concerned because I was shouting in fear in my sleep. At that very moment, there was a large crowd of people along the street in front of our house doing the Way of the Cross.

 

From that time on I keep remembering these dreams. 

 

One day, one of my professors in theology asked if we have dreams that we can vividly remember.  I shared these dreams and what he gave as an explanation astounded me and helped me in my discernment. He told me that I truly have a vocation to become a priest. You may ask: why it helped me in my discernment? At that time, I was thinking of leaving the seminary and pursue another vocation in life.

 

What is it in the cross? 

 

I would often see it as a sign of death. I would see it in every tomb, in every cemetery I visited. I fear death and whenever I think about dying and death I would run to the corner of the house trembling with fear and I would cry. When my mother would see me this way, she would always tell me not to worry. I will still live a long life. That did not comfort me for I would still have to die one day.

 

I would often see it as a sign of suffering and pain. The corpus on the cross is often covered with wounds and blood. Pain and suffering is etched in the very face of the person on the cross. I am so sensitive to pain that when it hurts, I feel it all over me. When I was a child, I would run away from any injection if I could. I remember one time I tried running away from the dental clinic. Because of frustration, the dentist extracted my tooth without anesthesia when they finally got hold of me. They had to do it quickly before I could run away again. It was done while my mother pinned me down on the floor with her body and the assistant held my head firmly and forced my mouth open. It was swift and the tooth was removed.

 

It was also, for me, a sign of shame and defeat. What could be worse than being raised up high on the very symbol of shame and everyone else is looking at you? How would you feel when others ridicule and mock you? And what is worst than being left alone by your so-called friends? What could be more frustrating than seeing those you have helped, healed, and taught turning against you? What could be harder to swallow than realizing that after you have given up everything, you feel that it was all for nothing?  

 

Now, as I look back after 57 years of journeying in this life, I see the cross differently.  

 

I still see it as a sign of death but it is now a cross that gives life. I do not look at it with dread. I can look at death with hope. Death has become for me a door through which I enter into something better and the cross is the key that opens it. In whatever circumstances I am in, the cross provides a glimmer of hope for something better and amazing. If I enter into my physical death, I believe in the life Jesus has gained for me by His death on the cross. If I have to die to my selfishness, I am able to help, to serve and to sustain the life of another. I grow into a life that is fulfilling and blessed. If I have to die to my pride, I give birth to reconciliation and better relationship. If I die to my attachments, I realize a life that is free, unfettered and unburdened.  

 

I still would still see it as an experience of suffering and pain. But now it has a reason and purpose. I would not see it as wasted and useless. When I embrace my own pain and struggles, I understand better the struggles and pain of others. It leads me to be more compassionate and understanding. I recognize the woundedness of others. I would see clearly their desire to be understood rather than judged, to be embraced rather than be despised, to be welcomed rather than be rejected. When I open myself to my own sufferings and pains, whenever I offer them with Jesus on the cross they become a means of grace for others. They become salvific. It also has given me strength of character and the capacity to bear the unkindness of others.

I still see the cross as a sign of shame and defeat. It makes me see all my failures and the shame it has caused me not as an end but an opportunity for God to help me. It has empowered me to rise above my own failures. It has given me the grace of hope that I have a God who would not let go when He could have. Instead he embrace all that is negative in me and nailed it to the cross with Himself that He may set me free me. God has not given up on me and I should not give up on myself as well. I should not give up on others either. All the more I am challenged to embrace the defeated, the outcast, the misunderstood, the lonely, the weak, and the dying in the hope that that the embrace I give would empower them as well to see beyond their shame and seeming defeat; that is, to believe and to hope once again.

 

Above all, the cross is God’s unconditional and great LOVE. That is the underlying principle that transformed all these negative aspects of the cross into something ineffable and great.  

As we gaze upon the cross, what do we see now?

 

Fr. Pius Pareja, MMHC